Lost woman

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 03:13:30 GMT

Have you ever felt like you could not stand to live another minute in your own house? Right now I am living with my boy friend, his daughter, and his soon to be x wife. I do not mind that his daughter lives here because of the obvious, but the other I am really starting to hate. I have always been friends with her but lately she has just been getting on my last nerve. She does nothing around the house, she has a job and pays no bills or anything, and she is constantly depending on Chris ( my boy friend) to pay for every little thing that she needs. Right now he is in a lot of debt and trying his hardest to get caught up. But he could not make a car payment last month because she needed gas. I know for a fact that she makes at least 120-140 a week on her checks, and when she hops at least 30-50 dollars a night.

It has come to the point that I hate being here when she is here. I can not stand to even be around her. she is too worried about herself to even worry that she is puttin chris in more and more debt. She said that she was going to help out around the house by paying bills o something...but that has not happened. Instead she is still needing money from Chris.

All I know is something has to change berofe I lose my mind!!!

DEPRESSION!!

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 23:57:12 GMT

Well for the past week and a half I have been thinking that I want togo home. I have no clue whay I have been thinking like that, it is just that I miss home. I call this place home, but I am not sure if it is for me yet or not. I have been going through a large depression state and been thinking that no one would care if I just disappeared one day and never came back. I know that it is not true, but that is just how I feel most of the time. I will hear from people every now and then. But if I can not go and do something then they just do not call back. I came back down here to get away from all the drugs and parting I was doing, but since I have been back and mostly the past week I have wanted to just break down and go back into that life style.

Then I get the news today that my grandfather is back in the hospital. I am now worrying about him and wondering what I am going to do. If I am going to go back to back home to keep watch over him and my mother, or if I am going to stay down here and just wait for news from day to day. I really think that I would be better at home, but then I start thinking about what would I do about my job. There is no way that I can take that much time off, I do not have the money to move back home and I do not want to put my employeer in a bad situation. I know that I am going to go home and see everyone some weekend, but I am not sure when that will be. I think that it is best if I did live at home, but I love the family that I have here.

I know that all of this feeling is that I am depressed and the news about my grandfather just made it worse. I know that in a few days I will be able to just look back on this and laugh, but as of right now I am jsut so ready to go home. I will be okay in about 4 days and can not wait until then.

21

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 20:25:41 GMT

Well I will be 21 tomorrow. I just feel a little sad because I will not be with my family. I miss them, but I know that I have to grow up at some point in time in my life. I just have not been away from them on my birthday. And since I will be 21 it is a little bit harder. 21 is one of the important birthdays, you know like 16 and 18. But I guess that I will have to live with that.
Anyway other that that everything has been going good. I do miss family and friends, butI am now around friends that actually care what I do with my life. People who are going to help me and not try to bring me down. Back home no one wanted me to do anything with my life because I would be leaving them behind. O well I am better off here

Moving to Clarksville

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 16:57:00 GMT

I am moving back to clarksville in a couple of days. I have decided that Bristol is no place for me. I spent 9 months trying to get away from this place and now I am ready to go back. It is my turn to be happy.

survey

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 21:10:02 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Josie
Birthday:	July 25, 1984
Birthplace:	Bristol, TN
Current Location:	Bristol, TN
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Dark Brown
Height:	5'4''
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:
The Shoes You Wore Today:	New Balances
Your Weakness:	Myself
Your Fears:	Death
Your Perfect Pizza:	Everything
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Start back to college and prove that I can do it this time
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	What to do today??
Your Best Physical Feature:	Butt and Stomach
Your Bedtime:	Whenever
Your Most Missed Memory:	Going fishing with my grandfather
Pepsi or Coke:	pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	macDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	yes
Do you Swear:	yes
Do you Sing:	no
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	yes
Do you want to get Married:	yes
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	hell yes
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	no
Do you play an Instrument:	no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	have no clue
What country would you most like to Visit:	Europe
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	brown
Favourite Hair Color:	dark
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	160
Best Clothing Style:	does not matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	does not matter
Number of CDs I own:	who cares
Number of Piercings:	as many as they want
Number of Tattoos:	as many as they want
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Well shit happens

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 05:02:17 GMT

It looks as though if I was moving back to Clarksville it will be a little bit longer then I would hope that it would be. It seems that I owe out some money that I did not know about so I have to pay that off before I go and do anything else.

Been Thinking

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 14:39:43 GMT

I have been thinking the past couple of days about maybe moving back down to Clarksville. Since I have been home I have no been truly happy with anyone that I have been around with the exception of my family. I now know that my parents are okay with me moving back they are just telling me that I will have to do everything on my own, nother words, they are not going to give me anymore money. Although since i have been back in Bristol i have met this really sweet guy that I would like to see if there is anything there, I am just not too sure that he will make me happy enough to stay in this shit hole town. I use to always want to get out of Bristol, and i did, well now I am back and as unhappy as I was the day that I left. Since I have been back I have had to go to the doctor twice, the first time was about my nerves, mostly because my ex has nothing better to do then to fuck with me and my nerves can not take that at all. The second time i went to the doctor was because I was sick for three days and could not keep any kind of solid foods down. He told me that I needed to quit stressing out about everything and i should be okay, He also gave me something to help me sleep at night and to calm my nerves. Since I have been home I can not sleep and most of the time i can not do anything but work so that i can come up with the money to come back down to Clarksville. Who knows when it will be I have to work as much as I can to make to money right now since my parents are not going to help me out at all. So what do you all think??

I hate my life

Tue, 31 May 2005 04:44:39 GMT

I moved back home to get away from drama, but it seems that anywhere that I go there is someone there to judge me and think of me as a bitch. I was back home for no less then 2 hours when someone calls me up and starts bitching at me because she found out that I was back and she is with my ex (like I give a shit). Another thing is I really see that I have no friends that I can count on in this fucking town. All the friends that I thought that I had I do no have because I do not do any drugs anymore. It really amazes me to think that the only reason that someone would like me was because I was a druggie that had nothing going for them. Now that I have started to look out for me and do something with my life they do not want to hang out. So right now I am in a SHIT HOLE town with no friends.
How can someone turn there back on you just because you are trying to better yourself. Tonight I think is when I was really shown that everyone in this fucking town are just back stabbing assholes that do not want to do anything with their life. I want to do something with mine so they think that I am different from them now or something. I just want to go back to where I am wanted and loved by my friends. I want to sit on Chris's couch and watch movies with him Bonnie, Eric and Shawn. I want to go and hang out with Ambur and Preston at Preston, Ben and Kats house. At least I know that those people are my friends and they will not talk shit about me or stab me in the back like the people here do.
I feel like there is more my home then here is and I live with my parents, I just want to feel loved again and have someone to talk to when I am having a bad day. I am sick and tired of all the shit that I have to put up with on a daily basis here, and I have not even been back here more then a week and I already know where I want to be.

People

Fri, 27 May 2005 18:01:32 GMT

I can not stand people who talk about you nehind your back. i have no clue if they are mad that you are hanging out with someone more than them or if that is just how they are. I just want everyone out there to know that if you have something to say that you need to tell the person and not try to intervene with a relationship that is the best for them. The people that you talk about and are your friends sooner or later they will find out and they will be really pisses and want to know why the person did it.
THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO THOSE WHO HAVE EVER TRIED TO BREAK UP A FRIENDSHIP AS STRONG AS THE ONE THAT THEY DID!!

I am home

Wed, 25 May 2005 23:17:57 GMT

Well I finally decided that home is the place to be for me right now, if it is only for a little while I want to be able to straiten somethings out with my parents and my finances. I miss my family down there to, I have become really attached to may people there. That is something that I went down there not to do, but with all of the awesome people that I have met and started to love I realize that they will be there for me no matter what is going on in my life. I also want them to know that since I am 5 hours away I am still here for them and if there is anything in the world that they need I will be more then happy to help them out.
All I really have to say to those who care about me is that I care about you too and I miss all of you more then you would know. I miss just sitting around in Preston's room listening to music and other things. I miss going to the China King and stealing the trays, so that we have something to break thinks up on.
I want everyont to know that I will never forget them and I will not just never see them again, if it comes down to me coming to see you are if you all make a trip up here to see me. You all have helped me with a lot of things and I am thankful to you for that.
LOVE YOU ALL

Figured It Out

Thu, 05 May 2005 01:07:00 GMT

I have figured out what I am going to do. I am going to go home to my family. I realized that with my family any hard times that I will have will be a lot eaiser on me and they will provide me with the strength that I need to move on. The people that I will leave behind here are people that have made a huge change in my life. They are people who I will never forget and still talk to on a daily basis. Although I am leaving a family behind, I am going to a place that I have always been. No matter how much I have bitched and complained about my home, I miss and it and want to go back. I know that it will be hard to live with my parents again, but it something that I have to do for myself, and for my future. I have realized that no just my family miss me, but the good friends that I had there are still there for me and want me to come back home. They all know that I have been going through some bad times and they want to help me get through them.
The one thing that I do know that I will not do when I go back home is start hanging around the friends that cause me to want to leave and better myself. Coming here has shown me that I do not need the things that I would rely on each day to make me feel normal. I want to continue to be clean like I am now, and not turn back to drugs to make me feel as though everything in my life is good. I have realized so many things about myself while I have been here, and now I am ready to go home and show my family that I am better and ready to move on with my life.
I am going to miss everyone here and want them to know that I love them and always will. I am not going to go back home and forget about the effect that they have had on my life. I want them to know that I love them more then anything for helping me through the bad times that I have been going through the past couple of weeks and that they mean more to me then they will ever know. So to everyone that has made a difference in my life, I just want to say THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE.

What about the odds?

Wed, 04 May 2005 03:52:41 GMT

I get a phone call the other day from Matt Lawson, I guy that I dated my freshman year in high school, I guy that I fell in love with. When we broke up we were still friends and would talk from time to time when we saw each other out. Then I got with this one guy that would not let me talk to any guys, so me and Matt lost contact. Like I started off by saying, I recieved a phone call from him the other day, just to see how I was. Matt had driven by my house to make sure that I still lived there, and then called to see if I was home. My mother gave him my number and he called me here in Clarksville. Matt sounded as though he was doing alright, but there was just something about his tone of voice I could not figure out. I was busy when he called so I told him that I would call him back the next day, and of course I forgot to.
I just want to know why he called? Why now? Why when I thought that I have figured everything out? I still love him and hearing his voice just made it that more real. It made me think about if I want to stay in Clarksville or go back home to Bristol. So I decided to go home for a weekend, see my friends and family and then make up my mind. I have a family in Clarksville too, it is going to be hard no matter what I chose.
But what are the odds that someone from my past would just show up and mix everything around in my heart?

What to do?

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 21:31:52 GMT

Right now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I know that I have two choices. The first being going back home to Bristol, and getting a full-time job. Then maybe in a year going back to college. Second is to stay here in Clarksville, work over the summer to make enough money to come back to college, if only part-time, next semester. Whatever I decide to do I have to figure that out in about two weeks, other wise it is option number one. I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to scream sometimes, but I know that I have to keep my composure, although it is tough sometimes.

HELP ME!!

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
(as normal)

Have you ever waken up in the middle of the night...

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 07:43:54 GMT

Have you ever waken up in the middle of the night and wondered if you will ever find someone that will make you happy? Have you ever waken up in the morning and cried because you are so alone? Have you ever had to lie to your friends about how you are each day because you are so depressed that you can hardly make it through the day? I do this every day of my life. I have never waken up in the morning and not cried. I am so alone that no one knows the pain that I go through just to make it out of the bed in the morning. Everyone that I know has someone in there life that they can count on to be there. I know that some of my friends would be but I dont know weither or not I can allow myself to go to them for anything. I know that they love me and would do anything for me, but they do not know the actual me. They know the me that I let them see, only a few of them have seen me have a break down in the morning or have ever talked to me about how lonely I actually am.

Why me?

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 04:19:46 GMT

Why do I have to have such a sex drive?? Everytime that I see a man that I would like to talk to, I end up having sex with them. Last night I went out to eat with this guy that I met at work. During dinner all I could think about was sex, all I wanted to do was get out of there and go have sex. I also found out during dinner that he was in a relationship, and living with another girl. But none of that mattered because all I wanted was sex. Well of course we did come back to my room and have sex. But that will be the only thing that will ever happen between the two of us is sex. I would like to find someone that I could be happy with in a relationship, but it seems that all the men that I look into either, is already in a relationship, or just wants sex. I can not say that the only thing that I have worried about lately is settling down, but I just want someone who will wow me everyyday. I want to find the right person for me. I will be 21 in July and I have no clue where my life is going to go. All I know is that someday I would like to have a husband and at least one child. But the more I look at myself the more I see that me ever being married is just a big crule joke. I never realized how indecisive I am when it comes to men. I have realized that I can not be with someone for a long period of time and still be happy with them. The more I see how Ambur and Preston are I see that I want a relationship like that, a happy relationship. But I know how I am and I know that I will never have that. I could try but I would not be happy. I think that I just think too much about everything......

The woman who she love me and help me!

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 21:33:16 GMT

My mother, the one woman who should love me and help me more than anyone else in the world. But with her she is the one who would rather see me in pain and suffering, it seems, then to help me. She trys to be the mother that hers was, the one who would do anything for you, but not there own daughter. She told me today that if I do get put in the hospital for my throat that I needed to come home and get a full time job and to forget about college. But I have come to realize that college is where I do want to be right now in my life. I know that I have messed up in the past and that I am not the smartest person in the world. But I would like to try and do something with my life. I know that my mother just wants what is best for me, but for me right now with the time I have left to live I would like to get a degree in Accounting so that I can do what I love to do for the rest of the time I do have. The cards are stacked against me being able to come back to college, because my father does as my mother says now a days. I do wish that I would have not messed up so badly the past two years. Then I would not have to worry about this, I would just have to worry about what classes to take next semester. Now I have to worry about how I am going to pay to come back here next semester, how I am going to keep a good job and go to school, how am I going to have enough time to do homework. I could just wait until I know for a fact that I am not going to be able to come back to school to worry about all of this, but with my mother she knows that I will worry about this no matter when she would tell me. I think that sometime just because her life is so stressful she likes to make mine the same, I think that she likes to know that she can control what I do with the next 4 years of my life, she likes to know that she controls something in my life. Little does she know she controls a lot of my life right now, she controls what will happen to me when I do go to the doctor, because if they tell me that I can stay on this medication and wait until summer break to have the surgery then I will do that even though the medicine makes me hurt more than it helps, but if it is going to help me stay in college then I will do it and learn to live with just a little bit more pain. That is the story of my life "Learn to live with more pain." That is all that seems to come to me is more and more pain.

Who knew?

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 13:33:15 GMT

Who knew that even though you feel perfect and go to the doctor over something that was bother you, that you infact could be put into the hospital for something totally different. I went to the doctor yesterday about my throat, it was just a little swollen, or so I thought. The doctor that I went to looked down my throat and her exact words were, "Oh my God!" I did not think that it was that bad! She then told me that I sould have been in the hospital by now. So on Monday I get to go back to her to find out if they are going to put me in or not. But until then I will be on Loratabs and Steriods for the pain and the swelling. What a bitch, going to the doctor thinking that everything is fine, just to find out that you could be hospitalized. Just my luck. My parents are flipping out because I am this sick, the want me to come home so that I will be with then and not alone during this. But I can not. If that was the case then I should have just dropped out of school when I first found out I was sick. But I am stronger than that. I am also trying to find my place in life and I can tell you this, it will not be in a hospital bed. No way, No how.

What to do?

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 01:41:31 GMT

What to do when nothing makes since? No one can help me because no one knows. No one knows what goes through my mind, and no one seems to care. There are things that no one knows about me. There are more things that I do not know about me. People think they know me and I thought that I knew me, until today. I realized that I do not know who I am or what purpose God had in mind for me when he made me. Should I continue in school? Should I go home? Should I tell the man I love how I feel? Should I continue to act as if nothing is wrong? Should I continue to act happy when I am not? I ask myself these questions and more, over and over, day after day, and today they are getting more demanding of an answer.

Only if everyone knew. Only if everyone could see. Only if they new the time I have left needs to be perfect. But in order to be perfect I have to find why I am here. I have to quit lying to everyone and myself, even if at the time I do not think that it is a lye. I thought that I was always honest with everyone including myself. But I have thought this way for so long that I have fooled myself into believing that this is the way that I am made to go into life. With the time left I want to know, not to think I know. I want to know who I am. Who loves me. Who wants to be around me. And what I am made to do. I only wish that I could wake up tomorrow and everything be the way that it is made to be. I want the plan of my life to be laid out right in front of me.

I keep thinking about the "What If's?" of my life. What if I would stayed with the man I love? What if I was to not come to school? What if I would have not quit drugs? What if I would have all the time in the world to find who I am? I have all these questions with no answers. None of my friends know about this, and I can not tell any of them, that I do not know how long I have left to find the answers to my life. I think that this is the hardest part of it all. I do not know. I wish that I did. I wish that I could tell someone. But I can not bring myself to do that. I will not let anyone feel sorry for me. I just write and hope that I will someday find the answers to the questions that bother me. I do not dwell on the time that I have lost, I do not dwell on how much time I have left. I live like I want and I do what I want. But right I do not know what I want. I do not know if I have a week or a month or 20 years left, I wish I did, I wish I would have forever. But I do not, the only question that I do not have is What if I would have never known? About not knowing how much time I have left.